WARNING: Possibility of sensitive female issues being mentioned in this blog. If you are easily offended by honesty and open discussions of these issues, please do not continue to read. :o)
For as long as I can remember I have only wanted one thing in life…to be a mother! I have always loved children and seemed to have a natural ability to care for them. I started babysitting at a very early age, even watching children only a year or two younger than me. I knew that one day I would make a great mother and hoped to have at least 3 children by the time I was 30. Well…I’ll be 36 in a couple months and there are no children in my home. So the journey, which I continue to take, has already been a long one, but I will not give up on this dream. I can’t wait for the day when I can say to my fabulous husband that… “WE’RE HAVING A BABY, BABY!” As you will read below it's been a touch road, but I don't have any regrets, because without these experiences I would not be as strong of a person and I would not be where I am today...with my incredibly amazing husband and best friend.
Being raised in a Christian home, set standards for me and therefore; I have only been sexually active with the people that I felt I would be spending the rest of my life with. I was married once before. I probably shouldn’t have gone through with the wedding because I knew things weren’t right before I walked down that aisle and said, “I do.” But, I didn’t stop it, I had already had sex with this man…he was my first…and I believed that I was obligated to marry him because I had always been taught that you don’t have sex outside of marriage. Besides, so many people were telling me it was wrong and I was very stubborn and genuinely loved this man, that I was bound and determined to prove everyone wrong. We tried to get pregnant, although I was not surprised when it didn’t happen because there really wasn’t a lot of desire to “try” too hard. The marriage was rocky at best, and the man was verbally and emotionally abusive, with an extremely hot temper to boot. He never hit me, but I have a feeling it was only a matter of time. He did throw a cordless drill in my general direction once and that freaked me out. He worked nights, and although should have been home by 3am, often came home much later than that and would sleep on the couch. After 2 years of dating and just over a year of marriage, I knew he was cheating on me and I took that opportunity to get out of a situation that I feared would only continue to get worse. I deserved better! Although I could never officially prove that he cheated, I knew in my heart it was so. He begged me not to leave, but wasn’t willing to make any changes to make things better. He didn’t want to move back to Missouri with me and work things out somewhere else. I offered several options to try to make our marriage work, but I needed to go HOME, at least for a while and all he had to say was, “if you go back to Missouri, you need to plan to stay there and file for a divorce.” That’s when I knew he wasn’t as willing to work things out and I needed to be happy and wanted him to be, so I left. I honestly tried, because I felt like when I said “til death do us part” that I made a commitment, and I did not want to see it end, I just wanted it to get better. The fact that we didn’t have any children was such a relief and I can say without a doubt that God had a huge hand in that. As much as I wanted a family, it would have been a horrible situation for any children to be a part of, so THANK YOU, LORD…for saving their souls! I moved home in June 1999, and left the “filing” up to the husband…which happened quickly. By January 2000, I was once again single.
I immediately emerged myself back into church and God’s Word, surrounding myself with His people and trying to NOT focus on my failed marriage. Being divorced at 24 was not something that I thought would ever happen to me. It was devastating and I was heartbroken, but I knew it was the right thing to do. After a couple years of focusing on me and realizing that I would be all right I decided I needed to move on and allow myself to love again. I feared getting hurt and wasn’t sure I could handle it, so I guarded my heart a little too much. There were a few different guys at my church that I thought were so wonderful, extraordinarily godly men who would have made me very happy…but I didn’t let myself fall for them. Oh, I had “crushes” and hoped that one of them would ask me out, but I tried not to be the one to express my feelings first. Which was really hard for me because I wear my emotions on the outside often. I’ve never been much for shopping or girlie activities. I don’t know if it’s because I was the only girl in my family (except mom, of course) but I just got along better with guys. It wasn’t anything more than friendship, but I got a quick reputation of being a flirt and was chastised for it by the other gals my age. Anyway….that’s beside the point. I had spent a lot of time with a certain guy at our church who was very shy and a little strange, but so sweet and kind to me. At first I didn’t even think of him as anything but a friend, in fact, I spent a lot of time with him because I had a huge crush on his best friend…but as time went on I found myself falling for this guy more and more. I could tell he was interested in me as well, but wasn’t sure he would ever find the words to tell me so…so I made the first move and told him how I felt. We began dating and it got very serious, very fast. We talked about our future, being married, having children and I thought this was it…that amazing relationship that I had been wishing for, for so long. Unfortunately, the “powers that be” at the church didn't feel as though I was ready for a relationship and even told us that we couldn’t date, and even told the reason I couldn't date was because I was divorced, and other reasons that I won't mention here, but I can tell you were complete insanity and no one's business but my own. Really? We were adults, in our late 20’s and some man was telling us that we couldn’t date? My stubbornness kicked in, and I think his did too, because we continued to see one another despite what anyone else thought. Things were perfect for several months, we were happy and I wanted nothing more than to marry him and have a family with him, but then everything went wrong. I don’t even remember when, but we started having sex, on a regular basis, and then feeling guilty each time because we were not married yet. All these emotions and our extreme physical attraction to one another slowly starting tearing us apart. I know, it wasn’t right…but I started thinking, “if only we could get pregnant, than we could get married, not have to worry about what others think, not have to feel guilty for having sex before marriage…because we would be married, and life would be perfect.” Yeah, right! Not a chance! After about 2 years of this insanity, we finally called it off and once again I was single. No husband, no children…but after some time I realized that once again, God was in control.
In 2004, I finally met the man of my dreams. Oh, he’s not perfect, but neither am I. Keith and I were immediately best friends and had no thoughts of marriage or even dating one another…at first. In fact, we laughed when people said that we would be a great couple, or that there was sexual tension in the air when we were together. It seemed ludicrous to us! We were BEST friends and that was it. Well…that changed and in 2005, I married my best friend. We knew before saying “I do” that we both wanted to start a family as soon as possible, but we wanted to wait a year or two…and that was fine. We wanted to be more financially secure and have a healthier lifestyle (lose weight, eat better, exercise more, take vitamins, etc…etc…etc…). After a couple years we started trying to have children, as best as we knew how. We even talked to our PCP about getting healthier and trying harder because it just wasn’t working and we didn’t understand why. The summer of 2009, I finally found an OBGYN here in Texas, and started seeing her on a regular basis as well. I was diagnosed with PCOS (PolyCystic Ovary Syndrome) and finally understand the biological and scientific reasons why I had not been able to get pregnant before. I was heartbroken, but Dr. W insured me that there was hope. I immediately starting watching what I ate more, because losing weight was one of the most important factors to help my PCOS, and we also began a medication regiment to assist in proper ovulation each month. Keith and I had hope again and every month held our breath, hoping that I wouldn’t start my period…but so far, no such luck. In December 2009, Dr. W found a very large cyst on my left ovary and in January 2010, I went in to have it removed. The good news was the cyst was benign and they did not have to remove my left ovary. The bad news was, we had to put off trying to get pregnant once again, while I recovered for a few months. I healed quickly and we got back on schedule with taking Clomid (Clomiphene) to induce ovulation.
My dream was to be able to have my first child before my grandmother passed. I wanted more than anything for her to be able to hold my first born, at least. Sadly grandma is no longer with us, and now, it is May 2011 and still no babies.
With every month that passes, my heart gets a little heavier. I’ve never wanted anything in life more than children. I try not to dwell on it, or obsess about it, but a desire is a desire and a desire this strong is hard to ignore. Keith really wants to keep trying before looking at other options, because he very much wants our first child to be our biological child. I understand this to an extent and want that as well…but I’m ready to give up. There are so many children in this world who need a mother and a father that will love them unconditionally and give them everything they need. I hear and see stories all the time that just break my heart. I think, “Why can these idiots who can’t even take care of themselves have children and I can’t.” It just doesn’t seem right, or fair. Children are having children, getting abortions, and even abandoning their babies in trash cans and on the side of the road. It’s sickening and it hurts me to think that I could have made a difference for just one of those sweet precious babies.
The last couple months have been even harder for me. During that time of the month, the pain is almost unbearable for a couple days. I can’t move, and I just want to scream and cry from the agony. You can’t even understand the extremity of the pain, unless you are a female who has the same issues. It isn’t normal period cramps and bloating, its mind blowing, gut wrenching pain and usually is accompanied by migraines, constipation and other bowel issues. My legs ache and twitch, my back is on fire and I can barely lift my arms. All I can do is curl up into a ball and cry. Some medications help, but only temporarily and the pains don’t stop, but it does settle a bit. This last week has been one of the hardest for me. On Sunday, I was in pain, but nothing compared to Monday morning. I woke up at 3:30am, used the restroom, took some pills, and tried to go back to bed. By 5 am both Keith and I were awake. He wasn’t feeling well either (perhaps sympathy pains…lol) and was in the living room, when I quietly crept out of the bedroom again hoping I would wake him. To my surprise, he was already up, and I didn’t realize it. After a few minutes my pain once again became unbearable. I was making coffee and just started crying and slowing collapsed to the floor. I remember being so frustrated, and Keith was trying to comfort me and all I said was… “This is ridiculous. I can’t believe that I have to go through all this pain and agony every month and never get the rewards. I want a vasectomy and be done! I can’t handle it anymore!” I was angry, hurting, and frustrated, but even now, I think that’s how I feel. I don’t want to go through this pain any more. I’ve worked so hard to lose all this weight (70 pounds now, with only about 30 to go until I’m at or below the perfect weight for my height and age). I can’t wait until I’m done with this diet and can get back on the fertility plan, but I have to say…if I’m not pregnant by this time next year, I’m finished and adopting or something…because this is insane.
Mother’s Day was harder for me this year than it has been in the past. Oh, I always wish on Mother’s Day that I were a mother and able to celebrate that fact, but this year was harder than usual. Perhaps it was because I had just finished a very rough menstrual cycle, but it was harder than I expected it to be. I tried to keep my focus on the mothers in my life. Including my beautiful mother, Serece, who is the world to me, and was once again celebrating this day without her mother. I miss Grammy so much and I know mom misses her even more than I do. I also have a wonderful step-mother, Carol and a fantastic mother-in-law, Patti. These women are all so precious to me, and I hope that I can be half the mother that they are. I didn't even let on to Keith that I was sad, because...well...honestly, what could he have done? He can't fix my medical issues, he can't take the sadness away, so I decided not to burden him with my burdens.
KEITH WILL BE SUCH A SWEET DADDY!
(He just loves Sophia, one of the girls I am a nanny for.)
THIS IS EMILY AND I AT THE MOVIES!
(I love spending time with the girls that I nanny for, on the clock and off. I can't wait to be able to spend this time with my own children as well...and Emily has already promised to babysit for us!) :o)
Someday, I WILL BE A MOMMY, I have no doubt about that. I will love my children without conditions, without judgment and without ever questioning my love for them. I will teach them how to live, how to dream and how to be a blessing to others. I will allow them to be who they are and not try to mold them into what I want them to be, but will guide them in the right way by teaching them to LOVE. Until that day, I will continue to help other mother’s raise their children and be the best Nanny/Caregiver that I can be, and perhaps be an impact on more little lives than I could ever imagine. I love children, no matter who’s they are, and I will continue to love them all, even after I have my own. Our future is in their hands and I can only hope that I can have a small part in helping these young people make a better future for themselves and their children and their children’s children.
